Russians halt search for intelligent life in Washington

A Russian research team, which claimed to have detected signs of intelligent life in Washington, has now discovered the life there not to be quite so intelligent after all.

A Russian spokesman, who wishes to remain anonymous, told our Moscow science correspondent —who also wishes to remain anonymous— that the Washington atmosphere has been poisoned by huge clouds of putrid hot air belching from the corporate media. He explained that such a hostile environment makes it almost impossible for intelligent life to survive, let alone evolve a sustainable culture. The Russian team believes there may still be small pockets of intelligent life elsewhere on the North American continent but without the necessary conditions they need to thrive they are destined to disappear without trace.

Speaking off the record, the Russian spokesman, who asked us not to disclose his identity, added that hopes of finding intelligent life in London, Paris, Berlin and other Western European locations, where it might be expected to flourish, are fading fast. Though it is believed intelligent life once existed in Occidental Europe, an atmosphere suitable for the maintenance of such life has all but evaporated.

On both the North American and West European continents bodies spewing vast amounts highly toxic material are believed to be responsible for a huge decline in mental faculties. Parasitical in nature, the bodies manage to insinuate themselves into host communities by imitating human characteristics. Once established, instead of breathing life into the atmosphere, the alien bodies attach themselves to previously healthy organs that normally perform the function of transmitting current information vital for the proliferation of intelligence and the survival of the species. The attached parasites corrupt the integrity of the host organ by sucking out all the elements essential to the growth of rational thought. They then convert those elements into a highly toxic material before excreting it onto the host community. The resulting excrement swiftly leads to the asphyxiation of the myriad varieties of media required for the growth of knowledge and ideas on which intelligent life subsists and thrives.

Russian scientists fear intelligent life may already be extinct in vast swathes of the West, creating huge barren areas of empty desert devoid of any discernible culture.