Bryan Hemming

short stories, comment, articles, humour and photography

Been so busy solving the euro crisis

Haven’t been so active on my blog recently, what with being so busy trying to solve the Spanish banking crisis and all. It’s a bit of an uphill battle trying to get a few more euros in my own account, let alone theirs. They don’t seem to understand I need all my dosh for solving a more pressing financial crisis on the domestic front before I can help them tackle theirs. My feeling is they are inextricably intertwined.

And you’d think the telephone and electricity companies might have more serious matters to deal with than constantly bugging me for the piddling amounts I owe them. As for my landlord, he certainly doesn’t need the money. I don’t how many times I’ve promised to pay him by next Tuesday over the last few months. The dolt just doesn’t listen. No, I said next Tuesday.

My situation is little different from that of the Spanish banks. There’s little doubt a few thousand billion euros lent my way would help me get back on top things too. And I’ll pay it back as soon as the cheque I’ve been expecting since before Christmas comes in. If not sooner. Could even be by next Tuesday. If things turn out better than expected.

With a few thousand billion to tidy me over, I’d be able to stop avoiding a growing number of friends by paying them the money I owe, and begin drowning my sorrows at my local bar once more, instead of the one at the other end of town. It takes such a bloody long time when I have to dart in and out of alleys and shop doorways all the time, always on the watch for my creditors. I could even start looking the dog straight in the eye again by buying him a can of mashed up offal glued together to look like chunks of meat. He thinks it is meat. He’s not so fond of fighting the cats and rats for scraps down at the refuse container at the corner of the street. It would also have the benefit of allowing me to devote rather more time to solving the national crisis, before moving on the tackle the pressing global one. A win-win situation for everyone on the entire planet in other words.

I’ve tried to apply fo a couple of billion to kick-start my recovery, but the Central European Bank and the IMF have seem a bit too busy at the moment to send me the forms I need, despite me asking several times already. Maybe I should ask the Chinese government. Heaven knows, with all the plastic bits and bobs I’ve bought, let alone the gadgets lying in pieces in the shed, and the countless burnt-out fairy lights,  I’ve must have helped them out with their economy well enough over the years for them to become the global power they are today.

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