Bryan Hemming

short stories, comment, articles, humour and photography

How do I know I’m not God?

hand of GodI’ve been thinking about  philosophy a lot recently, like you do. Too much my Mum says. She asks stupid questions, like: how many jobs for philopsophers are there going to be round here? She doesn’t know that philopsophers don’t do any work anyway, they lay about thinking all day long. So, being born a natural layabout, I’m halfway there as it is. She really is pig ignorant that woman. It’s hard to think we’re related sometimes.

Anyway, I woke up with one of those brainstorming notions of mine this morning. It occurred to me, that just because I don’t believe I’m God, doesn’t mean I’m not God. See what I mean? It’s the same as a lot of people who believe they’re not insane, but they are really. Well, perhaps that’s not a very good example. But you know what I mean.

Of course, the real trick to it is not so much to get yourself to believe you’re not God, anybody can do that,  but to get a lot of other people to believe you are. Or the next best thing: get them to believe you’re the Pope. There’s a lot of money in that sort of thing.  Well there is for people who can’t actually do anything worthwhile, like mend bikes or make sausages.

But say I was God. Well, not literally say it. Or you could if you like. You can even believe I’m God, if you want to. That could work out very nicely for me if you do start believing I’m God. Keep my Mum off my back for a start. She can hardly start bellowing at God to get off his fat arse and go looking for a job.

When you think about it, belief is what it’s all about.

Lots of people believe they’ll never be able to play the piano because they’ve only got one hand. And most are right. And those that do manange to learn , never play very well, so what’s the point? I mean what’s the point of what I was trying to say? Ah yes, being God is a lot different to playing the piano with one hand, or the clarinet. When you’re God, you don’t need to play the piano with one hand, for a start, but I’m sure you could if you wanted to. It’s a miracle.

So lying in bed thinking about it and giving it some more thought, it came to me, if I am God, even if I don’t believe it, I still have to think of the ways it might change my life. Just in case I am. I should probably start wearing white robes, for a start. If I’m not God then, I’m just another loony wearing white robes. And there’s lots of those about these days, They can’t all be God.

Life could get a lot easier, of course, I could just take stuff I wanted because I’d be all-powerful and nobody could stop me. Even Superman. At the same time I shouldn’t abuse my powers because that would go towards showing I wasn’t God, even if I didn’t believe I was, even though I was, if you see what I mean. This philosophy stuff is a lot harder than I thought it was when I first started.  One more reason not to get up in the morning. I could even not have to get up at all. But I do that a lot  already. Perhaps, that’s just one more bit of evidence I am God.

Olaf Mosely

Olaf Mosely is an occasional guest writer at this blog. His writings do not reflect the views of the publisher.

Copyright © 2013 Bryan Hemming

3 comments on “How do I know I’m not God?

  1. God
    July 11, 2015

    i thought something similar along the lines , that I (you) am God , and have put myself here as a person to be born into something I’ve created and experience it on a very real and cellular level without knowing I created it . Basically if I do not exist neither does my world


    • Bryan Hemming
      July 12, 2015

      Yes, if you were God and wanted to live on Earth as a normal person you’d have to make sure you didn’t know you were God in order to do it. It’s a paradox, rather in the way religious belief is. Can God exist without people believing in the existence of God? I can exist without God believing I exist, quite plainly, because I exist. If I am not a figment of your imagination, that is. But I’m not convinced it works the other way round. With God, I mean, because you might be a figment of mine. It’s not quite the same, say, as Australia existing before being discovered, or alien life existing on far-off planets wihout us knowing. Or is it? Hm, I think I ought to take my tablets.


  2. WordsFallFromMyEyes
    August 8, 2013

    🙂 Love your mental machinations.

    In my Catholic schooling, they said God is within us each. And I thought I spread MY self around…


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This entry was posted on August 7, 2013 by in Articles, Humour.

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