Bryan Hemming

short stories, comment, articles, humour and photography

Tourrorism comes to Conil!

A parched and dusty wind sweeps out of Africa, across the straits, and into the streets and alleys of Conil and Cádiz. It´s July and August again. The sunflowers in the neighbouring field have withered and died. Cheeky sparrows glean seeds before harvest time sees them all gone. Town and city centres throng and throb throughout the province as hordes of tourists idle and snake, their heads in the air to gawp at nothing in particular. We locals duck and dive, weaving our way into less crowded short-cuts to get about more swiftly, wishing away our lives for September to come.

Beginning with a dribble at the start of June, it’s a sizeable stream by the second week. By July there’s a flood of Biblical proportions and in August the damn breaks. Conil is under tourrorist attack again.

One of the reasons my success as a travel journalist was so short-lived can be put down the fact I can’t bear tourists. Another is that the position has more in common with an unaffordable luxury than paid employment. And then there was the other tiny little problem of hoteliers, airlines, advertising agencies and travel companies tending not to go for travel articles setting out to put people off the idea of travel.

Many of you may not know it, but travel writers are expected to beg for freebies as part of the job. As most newspapers claim not to be able to afford to pay for plane tickets and hotels, journalists have to go down on bended knee before travel agents, or pay their own way. It’s a bit like waiters having to bring along their own tablecloths, crockery and cutlery for diners’ use in order to save restaurateurs the trouble. Or expecting bus drivers to find someone to sponsor tickets to allow them to drive passengers to their destinations.

And, as most newspapers, love reminding you: there is no such thing as a free lunch – funny how you don’t get the Queen of England saying that. Needless to say, complimentary flights and hotel rooms from travel companies always come with a price. So what does that say about travel articles? To put it bluntly, would you trust war reports on Syria coming from correspondents funded by Isis?

When the phone call came from the editor at the travel desk of The Telegraph, I couldn’t believe it. My very first commission for a travel article had come from a leading British newspaper, despite the fact I’d only ever had two articles published. One was for a local arts rag and the other was for, well, thinking about it there wasn’t another, so it was only one.

Despite having sent a proposal on the origins of the Pazyryk Carpet to the travel editors of several papers I wasn’t expecting them to take me seriously. After all, who would want to go to Armenia? It sounds more like a highly infectious limb disease than a country. The idea anyone would be interested in a smelly old rug that only might have been made there was preposterous. What if it was the oldest carpet in the world? Anyway, it wasn’t even discovered in Armenia. It was found in a Scythian chief’s grave mound in the Altai Mountains of Siberia where it had been dumped 2,400 years ago. Even the gang of grave robbers that broke into the tomb a few hundred years later didn’t think it worth the bother of lugging back across the steppes, and up the steps, to carpet their hovel. Nobody had heard of the Russian archaeologist Sergei Rudenko, and most people couldn’t even find Armenia on a map. These were all very good reasons for the travel editor of the Telegraph not to send me to Armenia; not good reasons to send me. Another good reason not to send me was that I could get killed.

My mentor of the time told me he was just as surprised as I was. Shocked even,  and almost as sorry. He had assured me there wasn’t a chance in hell of a national newspaper sending someone with my lack of experience to somewhere hardly anybody had heard of. There had been a war there only a couple of years previously and now it was chiefly known for its corrupt politicians and mafia gangs. And Cher, of course. Only a lunatic would consider going to a former Soviet republic whose claims to notoriety included being disturbingly close to Chechnya, and being home to the ancestors of a rock star, who should’ve given up wearing tight leather pants decades ago.

My proposal having been accepted by the editor I was given a couple of hints as to where I might bum a flight to Yerevan before being waved a cheery fare-thee-well.

To be sure, Armenia sounds a very interesting place, in the same way Saturn sounds a very interesting place. But you wouldn’t necessarily want to end up in either. At least, not well after midnight, with just a suitcase and no hotel reservation. It’s also a very interesting experience being greeted by hordes of unshaven taxi drivers, digging elbows in each other’s ribs, just to press their noses against the airport window in the hope you might be attracted by their particular gilded leer. Even more interesting is the ensuing battle to snatch your luggage, once you get through passport control. Possibly, the longest way into town is more interesting by daylight. As I was more interested in conserving my possessions and my life on the seemingly endless journeys, both to and fro, by light of day and dark of night, I will never know the answer to that.

Needless to say, the Telegraph turned down my piece, but I did get a fee after employing a haggling trick I picked up from observing illegal moneychangers plying their trade on the streets of Yerevan. Unfortunately, it didn’t even cover my day to day expenses. It doesn’t take long in the newspaper business to learn bribery and corruption don’t come cheap.

A couple of my articles did finally make the travel section of the Independent. The third was to be the pinnacle of my career with a lead article on Edvard Munch dominating the entire front page of the pull-out travel section. From there it was all downhill. Paying my own travel expenses, sleeping at the houses of relatives and friends still had me making an unsustainable loss on each article. I had made the mistake of researching the history and culture of the places I visited instead of riding elephants and dining in swish restaurants at someone else’s expense.

That’s a long lead into explaining why I am not a fan of tourrorism, but it doesn’t explain why Angelica and I live in a tourrorist town making a sizeable percentage of our meagre income from tourrorism. I’ll explain that another day. In our defence I can only say that the main season hardly lasts three months. So here’s a snapshot journey through Conil at the height of the season for those who like other people’s elbows in their dinner, their seawater ameliorated by gallons of urine and their beaches layered with acres of sizzling fat, marinated in alcohol, punctuated by small patches of sand.

And everybody is moaning people aren’t spending like every year before. But this time they’re right. Credit cards maxed out, and austerity measures are beginning to bite, people are starting to look behind their backs as Greece has been hung up and left out to dry by the very banks that robbed it so mercilessly. There’s the feeling Spain could be next. The Troika are setting an example and telling the Spaniards what happens if you vote the wrong way. Maybe some Spaniards will take note, but maybe not. Governments are taking a huge risk that might threaten the stability of the European Union. Things don’t have to be this way, the poor are being told to press their noses against the window while the rich spend the money they have plundered from the world’s economy.

Copyright © 2015 Bryan Hemming


12 comments on “Tourrorism comes to Conil!

  1. Bryan Hemming
    August 18, 2015

    I travelled round Spain just over ten years ago, liked it, and have been stuck here ever since. I can’t afford travelling anywhere else any more either.

    Despite all the mishaps, misadventures, and occasional hardships along the trail, most of my travelling has been enjoyable in one way or another. Armenia was an amazing experience made hard to enjoy because of the article I’d been commissioned to write. As it was my first commissioned piece from a well-respected national broadsheet, I felt a desperate need to produce something really good. Unfortunately, what I saw wasn’t what the paper wanted me to see, but there was no way I was going to gloss things over.

    I don’t regret going there at all; it really was fascinating.


  2. Nil
    August 16, 2015

    I love travelling – but tend to getting stuck if I like the place and the people and come home a few years later – can’t afford it any more… so my little jungle is my holiday nowadays… 😉

    Tourrorists – how well named! They give me the creeps!… Hope you got it that I did not mean that kind of travelling… no racing to the airport fighting with your possible co-traveller(s)… no doing everything you dare not do back home… no coming back a week later needing a holiday… ough!

    I also like writing…

    But the combination of the two to enjoy and earn a living at the same time is apparently not the road to paradise… To hell, more likely… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. rangewriter
    August 14, 2015

    Perhaps I need a nap. I just almost completed this reply and then had to dip out to find the proper spelling for a word and I lost the whole damned boring thing. I’m not about to recreate it. So, let me just say, I was amused and guiltified by this post, not that I am a travel writer, but I have, ahem, been a tourrorist. And I love the word you coined. Perfect!


    • Bryan Hemming
      August 15, 2015

      I’ve done that far too many times, occasionally losing an entire article.

      My aim has always been to amuse and entertain with travel articles. I see them as routes for the reader to escape in both the metaphorical, and the figurative, sense. You can either sit in a chair, while someone whisks your imagination to some far-off place you have no intention of ever visiting, or you can pack your bags and experience it first hand. A good travel piece can do both.

      In reality, I know I’m a tourrorist myself, so I try to present things the way most people encounter them in a world where the odd is often the norm. The worldweary traveller is not necessarily someone we empathise with naturally. He knows just a touch too much.

      Sometimes, the method can work really well, other times it strays far too close to the frontiers of disaster for comfort.

      Far too often, I give into the temptation of courting disaster. On most occasions disaster is all too willing to submit to my advances.


      • rangewriter
        August 20, 2015

        Good perspective on tourroist writing. Isn’t disaster what makes memories? In my case it is, of course, that may be due to my Swiss cheese brain that can’t hold anything in it longer than 5 seconds.
        I envy your funny bone, btw.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. rangewriter
    August 14, 2015

    Oh lordy. Your peek inside the lurid world of travel writer made the hairs on the back of my neck rise. Let’s face it, these days, any kind of writer is hard pressed to get paid for their efforts. I feel somewhat guilty about that, as one of the bazillions of idjuts who write for the sheer joy of writing, thereby providing way too much free-for-the-find content, I’m partly to


  5. Colltales
    August 14, 2015

    That’s a refreshing look at the travel writer gig, which you seem to honor better than most, neither turning it into a hack nor taking it as a last ditch before giving in to the cardboard box in the park. As a long time resident of one of the world’s biggest tourist magnets, SoHo, New York, and the deluge of people with way more cash than taste that floods the streets of my neighborhood everyday, I can relate to many of your observations. I do have to add, however, that they no longer bother me. On the contrary, unbeknownst to them, I fancy myself as an invisible companion and in my mind, I’m used to travel in their luggage back to their homelands, trying to get a grasp what it means to return to the acquainted and the familiar. Of course, most times I get lost like, well, lost luggage. In others though, it’s really an imaginary pleasure. Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bryan Hemming
      August 14, 2015

      Of course, I don’t mind tourists half as much as make out here, though I do loathe them in concentrated doses. I lived right by London’s Portobello Road for many years, which probably wins a place in the top tourist destinations in the world. Certainly, it was in London’s top five while I was there. Luckily, it only drew the crowds for Fridays and Saturdays; with the rest of the week reasonably quiet.

      I like your invisible companion idea, and might try that out. Saves all the bother of booking and turning up at the airport or whatever. I like the idea of climbing into a suitcase pasted with travel stickers, like they used to be, and boarding a tramp steamer bound for the South Seas back in the 1920s or 30s.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Colltales
        August 15, 2015

        Yeah, let’s join Joseph Conrad and Graham Greene and sail the foreign seas.

        Liked by 3 people

  6. Laura Bloomsbury
    August 14, 2015

    Brilliant Bryan! I usually recycle the Telegraph’s travel section before even the barest perusal. Partly because I do not want another’s opinion on places I will never go to – or would like to go to if only it were free. But after reading this I just wish they’d give you the job – one gets a pithy and pictorial perspective without any glam shots. p.s. thanks for the tour of Conil through your candid camera pps aiming to visit Spain again next year but far to the north east without the “acres of sizzling fat, marinated in alcohol, punctuated by small patches of sand” ppps here its tourrorist time all year round – people come in batches from different countries according to the time of year. In September the Nordic race fly south to escape encroaching darkness. pppps is Cpoyright something to do with Indian privates (in the military sense)? !

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bryan Hemming
      August 14, 2015

      I’ve been a fan of armchair travel since around the age of eleven, when I first started reading the travel books my father used to borrow from the library. There was nothing better than sitting by a warm fire, imagining myself in faraway, foreign places. When I did begin my own travels I realised how many people would rather not go to all the bother, and prefer to have me do it for them. Since then, one of my any objectives in life has been to stop people leaving their homes, even though it has involved a certain amount of personal sacrifice and great expense :).

      As for cpoyright, I always spend some time popping back to weed out all the many little mistakes my articles are littered with. Thanks for pointing out that one; I would definitely have missed it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Laura Bloomsbury
        August 14, 2015

        as an armchair traveller I appreciate your efforts! and am a reluctant typo spotter as it seems so picky

        Liked by 1 person

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