Bryan Hemming

short stories, comment, articles, humour and photography

Scooting through the headlines … sex


You know you have a must-read non-article when it begins with “A new study suggests that long-distance runners are more attractive … ” Hm, and there was me suffering under the delusion people who run a lot stink so much of sweat and stale socks everybody gives them plenty of elbow room. Sarah Knapp of The Telegraph soon put me right on that with a piece unambiguously headed The science of sexiness: why some people are just more attractive. Of course, knowing so little, the thought of an actual science of sexiness hadn’t occurred to me until then. If only I’d known you could study sexiness at university before plumping for a course in boring old graphic design. Science of Sexiness, the name alone does it for me. Where do I sign? I imagine it entails having to plough through piles of porn mags and videos all day long. Then there would be those compulsory lunchtime visits to pole dancing dives. And homework, well, we won’t go into homework. All in the noble pursuit of science.

I expect, you’d have to take up long-distance running just to keep ahead of the hordes of panting women. That’s the sort of vicious circle I could probably have dealt with in my youth. The more long-distance running I did, the more sexually desirable I would’ve become, the more sexually desirable I became, the more long-distance running I would’ve had to endure. Mind you, there is a hint of Freudian, Hollywood nightmare about the scenario I find slightly disturbing.

For decades my idea of long-distance running had been based on Alan Sillitoe’s short story and film The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner. You don’t have to go any further than the title to know it’s got nothing to do with sex, or sexiness. To think I might’ve been able to call myself a doctor of sexiness had my school careers advisor not kept it secret. I hate him. Back to the article, talk about long-distance, Sarah must get paid by the word, might as well skip the bulk.

Obviously, Jewish long-distance runners make ideal bedmates for some Telegraph writers. In yet another article in today’s edition You don’t have to be Jewish to marry me, but it helps Emma Barnett tells us believers are just as sexy as atheists. Perhaps, even more so. Though, rather disappointingly, she doesn’t provide any photos or personal details to back up the claim. Of course, it might have helped any potential suitors had she explained she was actually already married, in the opening sentence. At least then they wouldn’t have had to read the article far enough to experience how it gradually fades into another boring University study. The thought she would have to go through a messy divorce before being available again, would probably have discouraged even the most desperate males of the Jewish faith from reading further. Still, it might have been some consolation to learn Oxford University must also offer doctorates in sexiness. In my days as a student, lecturers did their level best to steer our thoughts away from sex.

One thing we can deduce from today’s brief scoot of Telegraph headlines is that some of the paper’s contributors seem to have difficulty keeping their thoughts on the job in hand. Now, that doesn’t sound quite right.

More scooting through the headlines soon …

Copyright © 2015 Bryan Hemming


3 comments on “Scooting through the headlines … sex

  1. rangewriter
    April 10, 2015

    The old adage is true. Sex sells. If you want to be noticed or make money, make sure your product has some version of sexy attached to it….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bryan Hemming
    April 9, 2015

    The pleasure was all mine. Now, why does everything I write seem spiked with sexual innuendo today? That’s what reading the mouthpiece of the Britsh Conservative Party does to you.


  3. colltales
    April 9, 2015

    That’s interesting, Bryan. I always suspected that people who talk too much about sex don’t get much of it, until, of course, I’ve studied old Sig and Kinsey and Masters and Johnson and Reich and that whole lot. And a pretty earnestly dedicated one they all were, if I may say so. I’m now sure that I won’t be around to see the end of the backlash against it, which arguably started with AIDS and spread out to ‘produce’ career-devoted human robots, ultra conservative teens, and ‘virtuous virgins’ of all sorts, including the murderous kind. And I thought that one couldn’t have enough of it, but just like eating and breathing, it may also kill you. I was fine with that, but what did I know? thanks for this er timely post.

    Liked by 1 person

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This entry was posted on April 9, 2015 by in Coporate media, Humour and tagged , , .

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