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Just read 15 Years Into Marriage, the Romantic Gestures I Most Appreciate from my Husband on Ginger’s Grocery, a brilliant and funny blog, where she writes about the most ordinary things in life and makes them sound both interesting and amusing.
But what she’s done for St Valentine’s Day is an attack on manhood. It’s downright unfair, it’s unjust and it’s wrong! There’s an unbelievable list here that ordinary mortal men just can’t compete with. It’s impossible. Take a look at the first few, and you’ll see what I mean. It’s a whole load of stuff nobody but St Valentine himself could be expected to live up to. According to Ginger, this is what she thanks her husband for doing for her (the bold emphasis is mine):
“Filling the tank of my car without bragging on himself (or even telling me that he has done so).
Eating everything I cook, then thanking me for the meal.
Fixing (and/or writing a check to fix) all the crazy problems that crop up in our century-old home without ever picking on me or accusing me of being on crack for having wanted to buy such an impractical house in the first place.
Folding laundry while watching football!” read more
And that’s just the start. If these things aren’t bad enough, the list goes on and on. It’s unjust to normal men like me who get on with their lives pursuing manly activities, like dumping myself on the sofa before nodding off with my head under a newspaper I’m pretending to read, for instance.
But with this, well I just don’t know what to do. How can anybody compete with perfection? Well, the first thing I can do is what any normal man would do. I can do everything in my power to make sure Angelica doesn’t get to look at the list.
I’ve thought of throwing the computer out the bedroom window, so there’s no possibility of her ever seeing it. Then again, I could switch of all the electricity in the house and pretend there’s been a power cut and the computer won’t work. She’ll believe that. On the other hand I could pretend a burglar broke into the house last night and stole all our electrical stuff, including the computer. I could hide it all in the garage till things blow over. If she rings the police to report it, I might have to find everything suddenly by the time they get here. Then again, I suppose I could cut the phone line, to cause a bit of a delay. And have an accident with her mobile while I’m using it to make a call from the bathroom. It could fall out of my hand and into the toilet bowl.
I did write a reply to Ginger’s post, hoping it might persuade her to remove it as a gesture of kindness to save inadequates like me from having a tough time. But I don’t think I grovelled enough. You can read it here:
“He makes me feel so unworthy. I better not show your post to Angelica.
S’pose I’ll have to spend the next few hours trawling the net seeking out some real, lazy slob, who spends all day in bed guzzling endless cans of beer, watching telly while scratching his belly and picking his nose. Someone even worse than I am. I can show her him, and then tell her that at least I’m not nearly as bad as he is, and she should be thankful for what she’s got.
It’s not fair posting stuff like this on Valentine’s Day! There ought to be a law against it!”
Now, doesn’t that sound eminently reasonable compared with that list?
Maybe, I could convince Ginger there is a law against it and she’ll trash the post before the FBI call round to her house. Or then again, I could post my Valentine story Mrs Grubbly’s Valentime’s Surprise . Angelica likes that. Yep, that’s the answer.
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