Bryan Hemming

short stories, comment, articles, humour and photography

Choosing Baby’s First Name

Another restless night got me thinking again. What with my youngest nephew and his partner looking forward to the arrival of their first son, it occurred to me they’d appreciate a hand choosing a name.Thinking about it even further, in the eye of a crisis, I realised I’m exactly the sort of bloke they need. They’re just not up to it.

Though most expectant parents won’t admit it, don’t you get the impression they long for helpful suggestions from senior members of the extended family? Admit it. Grandpas and grandmas excepted. They usually come up with stupid names that belonged to the family idiot of a bygone age. Or the one who went to prison. Whatever, it’s always the numpkin everybody else is desperately trying to forget ever existed. So that leaves me, as nobody listens to what batty aunts say, unless it’s: “Would you like some more?” After all’s said and done, I’m one of the ones that’ll have to call him by the damned thing, and write it on his birthday cards, so it’s only right I should have my say. Read more


4 comments on “Choosing Baby’s First Name

  1. Bryan Hemming
    January 31, 2013

    ´Happen to know´
    Sometimes I surprise myself with the amount of trivia I can store in my head. Usually. I have to fortify the knowledge using reference sources, and that has become easy with the internet. But you still have to know what you’re looking for.

    Never liked the name Bryan, or Brian. Like Kevin and Trevor it’s regarded as a bit of a joke name. Even in Spain the people always say “Life of Brian”, expecting me to laugh like it’s the first time I’ve ever heard it. Not that I found it funny the first time either.


  2. WordsFallFromMyEyes
    January 27, 2013

    How sweeeet ‘Uncle Bry’ 🙂

    I have never heard any of the names you rattled off – I mean never (but for Beverley) & I love ‘Beverley et al’. Ha!
    There’s a guy at work called Geordie. Never before this new job, had I heard the name Geordie before.
    I love your ‘sprigful’ that sprang to mind. Adolf….. shudder.
    Enjoyed this, Uncle Bry (sly…)


    • Bryan Hemming
      January 27, 2013

      All the first bunch of names are real, but no working class person would dream of calling a boy by them. And not many middle class parents either.

      The late Sir Pergrine Gerard Worsthorne, a right toffee-nosed git, became editor of The Sunday Telgraph. Aubrey Beardsley was a famous artist born in the late 19th century. His work is worth checking out. There aren’t so many very famous Cuthberts, nor Dinsdales, which is more popular in the US. Beverley Nichols was an English writer.

      I didn’t include Hilary, but that’s also used as a male name by toffs. Something that always amuses me is that Tony Benn (fomerly a toff named Sir Anthony Wedgewood-Benn of the Wedgewood china family with all the wedge) went all native with the working classes and dropped his title to became a Socialist politician by the name plain old Tony, Yet he named his son Hilary. Hilarious!

      Geordie is a nickname given to men from Newcastle on Tyne in England, in the same way Irishmen are often called Paddy and Australians are often called Bruce in the UK. Also, in the same way many Irishmen don’t like being called Paddy, and many Australians don’t like being called Bruce, many Geordies don’t like being called Geordie. Geordie also refers to a regional dialect spoken in the Northeast of England.


      • WordsFallFromMyEyes
        January 27, 2013

        Thanks heaps for all that! That’s so interesting. How do you just ‘happen to know’ all that?!

        Re Geordie… oops, had no idea. His wife is French so I thought he might be ‘something like that’. You’ve straightened me out on that one.

        That Wedgewood guy, naming his son Hilary is just ridic. I do not comprehend.

        I am now genuinely interested what your nephew will call his son. You’ve got to tell me! Also, just curious, do you like ‘Bryan’? I like it. It’s not common here – Brian is though.


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This entry was posted on January 26, 2013 by in Humour.

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