Bizarre, new religious cult sweeps Wall Street

A strange, new – possibly dangerous – religious cult threatens to engulf the hub of the financial world, an anonymous whistle-blower revealed today. Claiming bizarre rituals involving black magic, drugs, naked handswains, molten chocolate and doughnuts are taking place in the netherworld beneath the Big Apple’s very streets, the unnamed source refused to reveal his identity.

Top bankers, international financiers, influential stockbrokers, speculators and investors on New York’s Wall Street are joining the mysterious creed in droves. Shrouded in secrecy, at the heart of the weird cult, is the belief there is a massive hole at the rear end of our universe, through which all financial knowledge seeps in from the vacuum beyond. The hole is not to be confused with black holes, which are also very, very big, but suck matter in. According to the unidentified source, who wishes to remain incognito, it is not only financial knowledge coming out, but also unbelievably massive amounts of virtual cash are being excreted from the gigantic orifice. The vast aperture is starting to be known in some sceptical circles as the Bumhole of the Universe. Read more