Bryan Hemming

short stories, comment, articles, humour and photography

Newdays for New Years

Unable to get back to sleep in the early hours, one day last week, my mind turned to making the planet a far better place. Like it does.  The early hours are a great time for me getting strokes of genius. It’s my time for brilliant, new inventions. I once thought of a very cheap way of crocheting working bicycles from lengths of string and strips of rafia, but I’d forgotten how to do it by morning.

This time my brilliant, new invention hit me in a flash. More an idea than an invention, it was simple: the world would be far happier if I changed the names of the days in the week. You know, like that tyrannical dictator of Turkmenistan once did, on behalf of all his beloved subjects. Only I think he named every day after himself, so they were all called Niyazovday. Not that Turkmenistan got much happier, as making appointments became impossible. See you on Niyazovday, could mean any – or every – day of the week. So he probably didn’t give it as much thought as it required. My brilliant idea would be far more practical.

In order to simplify things, I decided on a mainly numerical theme. My week will start with Oneday. That will be followed with Twosday. I got a bit stuck with Wednesday, because I don’t like Threeday, and Thirday sounds too much like Thursday, so I could do with a bit of help there. Besides Foursday is a more obvious must for Thursday, and, though it ought to be Fiveday, I kind of like Bryday for Friday, because all tyrannical dictators name at least one day after themselves. It’s only natural the weekend should start with Sexday. And  I think I prefer finishing the week with Sinday rather than Seveday, but am open to suggestions. As you can imagine, though I didn’t manage to drop off myself, I did start a lot of Zzzzzing when I tried to explain my brilliant new idea to friends.

I wonder if I could do away with Wednesday completely, and jump straight to Foursday? But then I might have  to make some small changes to arithmetic. Still, we can’t stand in the way of progress, I think I might have to outlaw number three altogether. Never did like it. Or maybe we could have only six days in a week.

Next time I can’t get to sleep I might start on months. My idea would be to use more common English first names instead of names of Roman gods and the like. For example: we could start with Johnuary, followed by Fredruary…


2 comments on “Newdays for New Years

  1. WordsFallFromMyEyes
    January 14, 2013

    Yo freakin’ nuts, did Anji ever tell you? 🙂 🙂

    I reckon Wednesday could be

    I’ve never heard of Turkmenistan so I’m going to Google it, and if I don’t find any such person, why, Bryan….. I’ll send you a box of sleeping pills!!


    • Bryan Hemming
      January 14, 2013

      Yeah, she has sort of mentioned it. isn’t bad, but I´m thinking of declaring the third day of the week a holiday and calling is Freeday, not to be confused with Friday, whcich becomes Fiveday. Oh, no! this is becoming far too complicated…..send me the pills! send me the pills!


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This entry was posted on January 13, 2013 by in Humour.

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