Bryan Hemming

short stories, comment, articles, humour and photography

What to pack for The End of The World

What with the end of the world this coming Friday, I’m all of a tiz. Hardly seems time to get prepared. Couldn’t have come at a worse moment. Still, I suppose I ought to make a list of things to do. There’s a couple of bills need paying before we go, for a start. And I’ll have to make sure everything is switched off. Wouldn’t want it to be my fault if the place went up in flames before the grand finale. People would think I was trying to spoil things. Always looking to be in the limelight, that one.

Not much point in tidying the flat though, as I suppose everybody will be too busy to pop round for a fond farewell. But then I ought to cancel deliveries. After all, I don’t want to waste people’s time. Days seem far too short as it is.

I could ask the neighbours for some tips on what to do. Then again, it’s probably their first end of the world experience too.

Apart from a toothbrush and towel, it’s difficult to know what to pack. Assuming we’re all going to a much better place, and we’ll be there for quite a while. Some of us will, at least.

And then there’s always Christmas. Will we be having it, or won’t we? You have to think of these things. Most years, I go to family or friends. Only need a change of underwear for that, just in case of little accidents. Though, what with the end of the world nigh, I might need more than just one fresh pair. Could get a bit messy down in the nether regions. And talking of nether regions, that reminds me of socks. Mustn’t forget socks. Even though I nearly always get at least one pair for Christmas, you can never be absolutely sure. If we’re having it, that is. And even if we are, we don’t know there’ll be any time for exchanging gifts. And if we’re not, I’ll definitely need them. Vests, probably should pack a couple of extra vests. One light one and one thick one. It might get cold. On the other hand it might get very hot, so I should have a pair of shorts. I wonder if I ought to take a book? Just in case there’s going to be a lot of hanging about. We might face long queues. I better search out my passport, and draw some money out of the bank, while I think about it. Sandwiches, I mustn’t forget to make some sandwiches. And to fill a Thermos with tea. Nothing better than a piping hot cuppa cha to calm things down in an emergency. Nobody’s telling me anything. Things have come to a very fine thing indeed when you don’t even know if we’ll be having Christmas, or not.

Problem is, when those Mayans predicted the world would end in five millennia, five thousand years ago, it seemed long enough away. Most likely, they thought they’d given themselves plenty of time to get ready, and before you know it, it’s due next Friday. Just like the time Al and Ruth came all the way over from Mildura. Even though we’d had tons of warning, we hadn’t got round to washing the sheets.

And after I went to all the time, trouble and expense of sending Christmas cards because I forgot the world was ending a couple of days beforehand. Cost me a bloody fortune, Never mind, perhaps we’ll have it after, when things have settled down a bit.

Anybody out there who’s gone through something similar before? To be perfectly frank, I could do with a bit of advice.


5 comments on “What to pack for The End of The World

  1. auntyuta
    December 21, 2012

    Hi, Bryan!
    A new day has dawned here down under. It’s a bit past 5 am now and I’m still a bit tired. I think it’s safe for me to go back to bed for a while.
    Friday, the 21st December turned out to be a great day for me and my husband!.
    Cheers, Uta.


  2. auntyuta
    December 18, 2012

    My advice: Just do what feels right doing!

    A bit of common sense, yes. But then do exactly what it feels right to do. Do appreciate the life you’ve got. Remember, we, as individuals, all live only for a short the scheme of things. Don’t panic. If you do what feels right, you’re going to love certain moments in your comparatively short existence.

    Isn’t it great to be alive still?

    Have a Merry Christmas!


    • Bryan Hemming
      December 21, 2012

      As it’s not so far off midday here in Spain, it must be nearing midnight in Australia, so soon it’ll be tomorrow, December 22nd, the day after doomsday,with you. Are you still all there down under? Or have you all already gone down under?


  3. WordsFallFromMyEyes
    December 17, 2012

    Not much point in tidying the flat? Not much point in paying the bills, I say!

    Love your reference to Al & Ruth – you’re so funny, Bryan 🙂

    My advice is: unpack.

    Loved this!


    • Bryan Hemming
      December 21, 2012

      There was a bit of queue at the Post Office today, people paying bills before we all come to an end. Some of us still have a sense of duty, you know.

      But according to my calculations, it must be almost midnight in Oz, soon to be tomorrow, when you will know if you have survived. So as I asked my other commentator: Are you all still there down under? Or have you all already gone down under?


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